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[MUSIC PLAYING]
Peter, what have you done?
Do you want to hear a Christmas story?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Chloe.
What do you think you're doing?
I saw a Santa, Toby.
Really?
Yeah, he was in the drive.
I saw him with his friends.
You were just dreaming.
Go back to sleep.
Please, Toby, come and look.
Go away.
Please, Toby, come look.
So annoying.
Yeah, the kids are asleep.
And we're looking forward to seeing you,
but Toby's probably going to be too busy with his new killer
elf game.
Yeah, Chloe's going to love her new doll.
You know Sean, he's anything.
Do you need us to bring anything with us?
OK, well, if you're sure.
See you tomorrow, mom.
Love you.
Bye.
See, no one's there.
But I saw them.
You were just dreaming.
(DOG BARKING)
Rufus, shut up or I'll chop your balls off.
I swear I saw him.
He was with an elf and a snowman.
I'm sure he was, but you're not supposed to see Santa,
so don't let him know, or he'll take all your presents.
Polly, close the window.
It's cold.
[LAUGHTER]
Dad.
It's a terrible Santa costume.
I'm your snowman, short and fat.
Here's my scarf and here's my hat.
When I see the snowfall, hear me shout.
All the little children please come out.
Santa.
You don't look like I thought you would, Santa.
Did you have an accident?
Yes, little girl.
Santa had a very bad accident this year.
Did your sleigh crash?
Are your reindeer OK?
What's your name?
Chloe.
Would you like a present, Chloe?
Yes please, Santa.
This belonged to another little girl's house
that I visited.
Would you want bunny like a friend?
Yes, please, Santa.
Would you like a special present, Chloe?
Yes, please, Santa.
Would you and your brother want to come on that ride
to the North Pole?
Really?
Yes.
You can come and see all the fun we have in our workshops
with the other little girls and boys.
[LAUGHTER]
The presence must be around here somewhere.
Harriet, your dad's going to catch us.
Did you know the family who used to live here
got killed on Christmas Eve?
Really?
Yeah, they never found the girl.
Hi.
I'm back home.
I bought a bigger tree than we used to.
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER]
Mr Red, I have two new playmates.
It's time for some fun.
[LAUGHTER]
Hello.
We've had a call about a domestic disturbance.
Is anyone home?
Nice house.
Fuck.
Great first Christmas on the beat.
Yeah, well, it's going to be a long one.
While you doing area search down here,
I'll do the same upstairs.
(SINGING) The stars in the bright sky
look down where he lay.
Sounds like a girl.
(SINGING) The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay.
The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.
The stars in the bright sky look down where lay, the little Lord
Jesus asleep on the hay.
Hey, you OK?
Of course, I'm OK, silly.
It's Christmas.
How do you come to join our party?
Come on.
Come out here with me.
Why?
Where are we going?
Somewhere safe.
I'm always safe with Mr. Red.
Mr. Red.
Yes, he's the ghost of Christmas future.
Christmas future?
He knows when everyone's going to die.
Ray.
It's the season to be jolly.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, what the fuck.
[LAUGHTER]
I think it's time for the Christmas Holly.
Wait. Wait.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
Wait, no, no.
[SCREAMS]
Wakey wakey.
Did you like the Christmas decorations?
The fuck's going on?
Mr. Red is making things ready for Christmas.
Please help me.
Mr. Red is helping you, silly.
Wait.
I recognize you.
You're the girl that we're missing five years ago.
Her name is Chloe.
Yes, that's me.
What happened to you?
I made new friends.
I still see my family from time to time, especially my brother,
like a Christmas ghost.
We had so much fun with the family of this house this year.
[LAUGHTER]
Those arrested, killed together, stay together.
[LAUGHTER]
Please.
Are you ready for some festive fun, Chloe.
Mr. Red has a very fun surprise for you.
What are you doing?
Do you like lighting the Christmas pudding?
Petrol.
So much better than brandy.
[LAUGHTER]
Please, don't do it, please.
Don't do it.
[SCREAMING]
And this was a very dull Mr. Red gave to her right
before they took a trip with all the dead bodies in the sleigh
van.
[LAUGHTER]
Sleigh van.
Oh, yeah.
Diesel is more efficient than reindeer,
and you can get more dead bodies in a white van, especially
kids.
Smaller.
What happened to the girl?
She went into child care.
If you can call it that.
Strikes me she'd have been less dysfunctional
if she'd stayed with the three escaped serial killers.
Why were they dressed as a Santa, elf, and snowman?
Mr. Red was a jolly arsonist who burnt down workshops.
Mr. Green was a terrorist who mailed out Christmas crackers
filled with explosives.
And Mr. White, well, he froze people
to eat for Christmas dinner.
How did they all escape at once?
Idiots put them all on the same ward, nicknamed them
the three Christmas nutters, although they seriously
underestimated the effectiveness of a Christmas tree
as a battering ram.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, no.
She never spoke to him.
Funny, really.
Whole festival dedicated to his birthday,
and all anyone ever wants to do is write to me.
The poor fucker was on a cross, died,
and all they want is fucking presents.
I've got enough fucking work to do at Christmas.
Anyway, bloody Christmas.
Now what else have I got in here?
Oh, yeah.
Now this is my new Teddy bear design.
What do you think?
I call him cuddles.
What happened to him?
Yeah, I think the elf in the workshop may have had issues.
Reminds me of another bloke I know had issues.
I tell you what, I could tell you a story about him
that would cheer you up.
He looks all right.
That is because this is Dr. White.
You wait until you meet his counterpart.
This is a little festive tale I like to call the Ventriloquist
Who Stole Christmas.
So why did the man only wear one boot to town?
Because the weather forecast only gave 50% chance of snow.
Hey, do you know frosty the snowman reminds
me of my dad, Dr. White?
Why?
Because he used to buy you lots of slush puppies?
No, because he said he'd come back one day.
I had a threesome with two princesses yesterday.
That's disgusting, Dr. White.
Why are you telling me that?
Because you told me to let it go.
Not like that, I didn't.
If you carry on like that, they'll put you on a list.
What sort of list?
A. Very naughty list.
Cool.
Well, I know where all the naughty girls are like Santa.
No, not like Santa.
Cool.
Do you know why Santa doesn't have any kids?
Because he only comes once a year.
Right.
Well, I think we've seen enough.
Mr. White.
Don't call us.
Well, don't call us.
Did you not like it?
It's not quite what we're looking
for for this year's outbound for the elderly Christmas
variety show.
This is Margate.
Hey, maybe you should head to Brighton.
They like weird stuff there.
Here they like virulent, happy families, and warm coffins.
Oh, I mean coffees.
I can mix it up a bit and make it a bit more progressive.
I think you've progressed as far as you can.
Any more progressive I won't have to call the police.
It's all just a bit, well, creepy.
Well, Christmas is all about a fat man
climbing into people's homes and little children's bedrooms.
Quite, Dr. White.
We've got lots of people to see and your time is--
was up.
Keep it on the down low, but we've got a break dancing
reindeer who got through to the semi-finals
of Britain's Got Talent.
Hugo, we've got a problem.
What is it, Leroy?
It's Mrs. Crimpton.
Oh, God.
She turned up to do her annual striptease.
Oh, God.
Has she escaped from the hospital again?
I think so.
She's wearing one of those gowns without the back in.
Oh.
Hello, Henry.
Oh, you're looking tired.
You are not auditioning him.
Don't be like that, Henry.
Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition,
although you are getting on a bit.
It's called experience.
It's one way of putting it.
And don't you think your act's a little bit racist these days?
I mean, Dr. White?
I'm a snowman.
That's a politically incorrect snow
person, unlike myself, Professor Trueheart and Bobbin Buttons.
You're a fucking cunt.
What did you say?
I said you're--
Don't talk, Dr. White.
Are you having another meltdown?
Rehab not go well.
He Stole my father's act.
, Henry no one cares about your father and his lame
ass forgotten show in Norway.
Don't talk about my father.
As the lawyers told you, there's
not a copyright on Snowman, and Bobbins and I
sell a lot better than you.
I mean, let's face it.
It's not like I've won the children's award
of Margate five years in a row.
Oh, wait, that's a coincidence.
I actually have.
[LAUGHTER]
I could be as big as you, but I've got principles.
I've got a newsflash for you, Henry.
Wake up granddad.
Your act is dead.
For the love of God, why are there two snowmen
having a fight on my fucking stage?
Leroy, get them out of here and fetch me a ginseng tea.
Fuck.
This, is Prancer the reindeer breakdancer.
Yeah, no shit.
Hello.
No, am I on stage now then or?
Don't worry, Dr. White.
You'll get the next job.
Yes, we will.
Dr. White?
These are those Christmas adverts.
Nah, man.
It's the bad boy, did the cookie adverts.
Yeah, it's him.
Come on, man.
Cheer up.
Yeah, it's Christmas.
Yo, where's the puppet?
[LAUGHTER]
Fuck off.
You want to see the act, big man.
Come on.
Don't trouble, guys.
Raise your festive cheer, wacker.
[MOCKING LAUGHTER]
I'm Dr. White.
What's that?
Why don't you shut up?
[GRUNTS]
Man, oh, dear.
We all know no English now.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
[GROANING]
Henry, what's happened to your face?
Tragic crowd surfing accident.
Sarcasm doesn't help with your problems.
But what excuse do you have for your face then?
And I thought we agreed no more puppets at our meetings.
He's having a sudden act.
Do you want to tell me what happened at the school?
And that's why there'll be no snow in Africa this year
because of your parents.
But how are we supposed to get anywhere
if we can't use planes?
Swim.
I can't swim to Disneyland.
Think of the Dolphins.
Fuck the Dolphins.
Oh, shut up, you little--
Cunt.
Conservation Under National Threat.
Exactly.
I wasn't swearing.
Is it any wonder you lost the job?
Don't start that again.
It's not funny.
Apparently, I'm not that funny anymore.
Going around teaching global warming to kids.
Seriously, who cares if the ice caps melt?
And why is it you're teaching to year-sevens?
Because my co-worker got caught doing cocaine, shooting
snow sprinkled cookie adverts.
Well, the official line is you had a breakdown,
the company didn't want to get sued,
and what with all the kids on set and the snowman
snorting all the snow, but yes, it's not a good look
for a children's entertainer.
That's all I am to you, isn't it?
A children's entertainer.
And I can't even get a job in Southern Panto.
Henry, I am not your agent.
I am your therapist.
Yeah, so you keep reminding me.
I can't get one of those anymore.
Maybe it's a good idea to think about another career.
Get out of the ventriloquist business.
It could do you good.
What would the memory of your father--
Don't say it.
Don't mention my father.
You always have to twist it round back to my childhood.
You need to bury the past.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
What are you saying now?
He said you're being very helpful.
Time's up.
I'll see you next Friday, without the puppet.
It's time to go.
He's going to be here soon.
Who cares?
You're leaving him anyway.
I know.
He's fucking weird in the head.
Just like his dad then.
Yeah.
You know he doesn't even talk to his mom.
There's only something off there.
Forget about him.
You don't get it, Brandon.
His dad didn't just leave him with that puppet.
He left him with a whole load of crazy.
I can think of a lot better things to do with my hands
than play with a puppet.
I'm sure you can.
I dread to think what he thinks about you.
Oh, don't.
Like, it's too creepy to even think about.
You know he's into you though.
Yeah, I know.
It's all for me.
You living with him.
Don't you think you're giving him mixed signals?
Fuck off.
Does he notice you stealing all this snow?
Yeah, why do you think I'd stay?
It'll be some perks living with the snowman, right?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, and for my next trick, this assistant's
going to make it snow.
Fuck shit.
He's here.
Get dressed.
Back early from therapy.
What the fuck happened?
You been drinking again.
It's nothing.
Where were you today for the audition?
I really needed you.
I told you, Henry, I don't want to be your assistant anymore.
Don't you get it?
We've not made any money since you came back from rehab.
But listen, I've got a really good idea for a new TV show.
It's going to be really good.
So just wait a little longer here.
Face it, Henry.
You're never going to be as good as your dad.
Please, I know that I can turn this act around.
Don't you get it?
People are not into this puppet stuff anymore.
They're into like CGI and superhero shit,
not a fucking talking snowman.
Any day now, people are going to want puppets again.
Listen, Henry.
I've got an agent.
I might as well tell you now, but I'm moving to London.
I've actually got an audition next week.
It's for [INAUDIBLE] too.
It's going to be like a real art house piece.
You can't leave me.
If you leave me now, you'll regret it.
Your show's shit, just like everything else you do.
Listen, mate.
It's over.
Who's this?
Someone who doesn't play with toys for a fucking living.
What are you?
50?
Leave it, Brandon.
Can't leave me for him.
He, unlike you, he actually believes in me,
that I'm not going to be some stupid assistant
to a fucking freak like you.
I won't let you go.
You don't have a choice, mate.
Come on, Jade.
I'll wait in the car for you.
It's over, Henry.
Just like your stupid puppet show.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Look at you laying there.
You're pathetic.
You scare the kids.
Yeah you're a loser, Henry.
That's why you don't win any awards.
Face it.
You should have died in Norway like your father,
but now, you're going to die in Margate.
What time is it?
It's time to get up, Henry.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, me darling.
Let's get you going.
Now you've been taking your tablets because you know if you
don't, you're going to have to go
and stay in the special house.
We have to sign out the knives, don't you
if you want to make a sandwich.
Yes.
I've been taking my medication, Doris.
I'm very glad to hear that, Henry.
Now what have you got on there me lover?
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
This-- this is for your own safety.
You know you're not supposed to have any ties,
no dressing gown coats.
Don't want to end up like your old pa.
It was time you used getting dressed anyways.
Dirty Doris.
What was that?
He said goodbye, Doris.
Right.
I'll go and check the rest of the place.
Don't you move.
I'll be right back.
What's this doing here?
I'll be taking this with me now.
[BELL DINGS]
Mr. White.
DCI Hamilton.
DCI Cross.
May we come in and have a word, please.
Is this going to take long?
Why?
Have you got somewhere to be?
Yeah, I do actually.
I've got an interview about a new TV show I'm making.
Are you going with or without your trousers?
Is that the puppet your dad used to use?
Have you come about my puppet?
No, we're not interested in booking any children's parties.
Brian McHugh, better known as Professor Trueheart,
has gone missing.
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
His puppet's gone too.
Well, no one would want that thing.
Least of all, me.
I've got my own, haven't I?
We heard you had an altercation
down at the Tom Thumb Theater.
He stole my father's act.
I was standing up for what's mine and my father's.
He killed himself, didn't he?
Your father?
Must have been hard on you as a kid,
but with your mom leaving as well.
Yeah, where'd she go?
Well, you tell me.
You seem to know a lot about me.
Well, we know your mom went missing, was never found.
We also a group of young girls in Norway around that area
went missing right about the same time,
surely before your dad took his own life.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
I don't like where are you going with this.
Those young girls had nothing to do with my father.
Just making conversation.
So you know nothing about Brian McHugh.
The last time I saw him was at the theater yesterday.
Well, if you do think of anything, give us a call.
We'll show ourselves out.
Oh, and good luck with the TV show.
Yeah, don't forget your trousers.
Fuck.
We're sorry Mr. White, but we're going to have
to cancel your interview today.
We don't think you're quite right for this channel
moving forward.
We wish you all the best.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[BELL DINGS]
It's built for carol singers, isn't it?
You're right?
Who are you?
I can be whoever you want me to be.
I didn't call you.
Well, someone did.
I ain't leaving till I've been paid.
My father once brought a girl like you back to our house.
Oh, yeah.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Don't know the first thing I'm asked?
Go on then.
Milk, no sugar.
Sweet enough.
What the fuck is this thing?
That's Dr. White.
What?
I always get the weird ones.
Why is he a doctor?
He fixes things, especially people.
Well, I like what you've done with the place.
Makes a change in the back of a car.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Got any biscuits?
No, sorry.
I'm on a diet.
The doctor said I've got to cut back.
A real doctor or doctor puppet?
Dr. White is a real doctor.
Sorry if I hurt his feelings.
Hey, could I record you?
I don't do videos, mate.
No, Dr. White and I are putting together a new act.
Act?
Yeah.
We're putting together a pilot for a new TV show.
Our last assistant left.
Hey, would you like to be the star of my new show?
I'm-- I'm not sure.
Yeah, let me show you what Dr. White
and I've been putting together.
What is this?
I'm leaving now, Henry.
The fuck is wrong with you, Henry?
Don't talk to him, he just pulls the sleigh.
Jade, what's taking you so long?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE] have turned white.
Santa is dropping bombs tonight.
Jade.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
It's getting cold is the snow, and I know you won't be home.
I'm changing you in fall out light.
And I can see your lips turning blue.
I shouldn't--
What the fuck?
What the fuck, you sick fucking bastard!
Please, no.
[CRYING], please.
Get off me!
Fucking bastard, let me go!
He's got brain freeze.
[LAUGHTER]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
They would be pulling out of town.
Starting [INAUDIBLE].
My hunting rifle ordered here, watching ash fall from the sky,
Henry.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
None of the children gone to hunt--
Henry.
This Pinocchio.
Let me go, please.
Thought he was a real boy.
No!
Dr. White, fix him.
I got strings to hold me up.
Pinocchio, he's waving at you through the River Martis.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
Please let me go.
[CRYING]
[SCREAMING]
No.
The puppet show.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Oh, Franza, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm just hanging around.
[LAUGHTER]
I was stupid to think that I could ever replace
this sweet and talented Henry.
Wolfe, he's got the best act in the whole of Margate.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, oh, my God.
I haven't been taking my happy pills.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't need a mouth.
Consider yourself checked out.
I wonder what they're dreaming about.
Henry, what are you doing.
I'm sorry.
I brought the puppet with me again.
We've been having fun.
Henry, you're not supposed to be here.
You were right.
There are some things I didn't tell you about my father.
He used to kill young girls.
And then he'd make love to their bodies in the snow.
My mother found his trophies.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
That's why she had to die.
He wasn't all bad, though.
He dealt with those bullies.
Just going to call for help.
There's no help.
Dr. White got rid of them all.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time.
Oh, that'll be our date.
Let's put the awards out.
You dirty old bugger.
[DOOR CREAKING]
[LAUGHTER]
[CAT CALL]
Fuck off.
Right, darling.
Want us to show you a good time this Christmas?
[JINGLE BELLS]
Mate, did you hear that?
[JINGLE BELLS]
Guys.
[GASPING]
[JINGLE BELLS]
[SCREAMS]
So why did the man want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you.
Tough crowd, Dr. White.
Eloy, where are you?
I told you to lock up.
Franza, I told you you didn't make the cut.
I remember laying in bed as a kid waiting for Santa to come.
Oh, yes, Dr. White.
Yes, then there was always that awkward silence
as he got dressed and left.
They're still not laughing, Henry.
That's because you knocked them dead, Dr. White.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So what do you think.
I have a great role for you.
Can I use your bathroom?
Sure.
Me and Dr. White I'll be waiting for you.
Can't wait to get your feedback.
What's taking you so long?
Dr. White is worried about you.
I'll be out in a sec.
We're going to make you a star.
Stay away from me.
This Christmas, everyone's got to love puppets again.
We come with a search wa--
I think I just killed a client.
Bloody Christmas.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
How would you like to make a snowman?
Like Dr. White?
No, I want to make a normal snowman.
Aha, normal snowmen are boring.
They just melt like humans and let you down.
Humans don't melt.
They do if you put them in a blast furnace,
or pour acid on them.
Why have you come especially for me, Santa?
I've been told you've been feeling unwell,
and your parents called me up from North Pole
to cheer you up.
Well, I'm-- I'm feeling a lot better now.
I wouldn't want to hold you up delivering presents.
Oh, don't you worry about them.
Most of the other kids have been naughty this year.
I know a kid of your age who was visited by Krampus instead.
Krampus?
However bad you might feel this Christmas,
it is nothing like being visited by Krampus.
Now this is a little story me and my elves
call Merry Krampus.
And this, this is the last toy Luke ever played with.
Come on, Luke.
Time for bed.
You know it's your last day of school before the Christmas
holidays tomorrow.
Come on.
Will daddy you come and visit us this Christmas?
Or will he stay with the new lady he likes?
I guess I won't be getting into the robot toy this Christmas.
I'm sure daddy's going to get you something really nice
for Christmas.
You know he loves you very much.
And you?
Like I said, he loves you very, very much.
Sweet dreams, OK?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey, where are you?
Nowhere.
Well, hurry up.
I have a surprise waiting for you.
I'm freezing my tits off.
It's winter.
Right bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SOBBING]
So, Louise, how are you getting on?
I know Christmas can be a particularly hard time of year.
I'm OK.
The antidepressants are really helping.
And you're not leaning too much on the drink.
Oh, God, no, that's just like a bit of Christmas cheer.
And how are the kids?
The kids are fine.
The kids are really good.
So last day of school today before the Christmas holidays.
I think they're really excited.
Anywhere from the dads?
Nothing.
Anything to get out of paying child support.
Now two of them have walked out on me.
OK, well, if you need anything, you and the kids
just give me a call, OK?
Thank you.
You are all right, Luke?
I'm fine.
I'm not hungry.
I'm going to go to bed.
Mom, are you going to do anything?
If he's not hungry, what am I supposed to do?
Force feed him like he's on hunger strike?
This isn't a prison.
Prison food would be better though.
This is all we can afford right now.
Since you lost your job.
Yes, Diana, since I lost my job.
Well, I can't wait to find out what Christmas dinner
is going to be like tomorrow.
Some kids were picking on Luke,
and they said that it was his fault that dad left like ours.
But that's ridiculous.
They also said that Krampus is going to come
visit us this Christmas.
Krampus-- you've got to stop listening
to this stupid rubbish, OK?
This house is too depressing for Krampus.
Did any of the neighbors see you creep over the fence?
No, I don't think so.
Did he really live here?
Yeah.
Did the old man who lived here really
tell people he was Krampus?
Yeah, he was like that guy Wayne Gacy
that dressed up as a clown.
Why would any parent want to invite the Krampus
to their kid's party?
To scare them if they've been naughty maybe.
Beats Cole.
When did he die?
They found him hanging dead upstairs from a Christmas tree
last year.
I haven't been able to sell her since.
Apparently, you had a book on pagan magic
and was trying to raise the real Krampus.
[SCREAMS]
That was so funny, Lily.
You guys suck.
I'm going to call my parents on you.
It was only a joke, Lily.
Maybe we were a bit mean, guys.
You're such a sissy, Benjie.
It's hilarious.
Stupid boys.
Really how stupid do you think I am?
Look what I found in one of the drawers.
Maybe that's the poem he used to raise Krampus.
Children, take this into account.
Have you been bad this year?
Tonight's the night that Krampus comes.
Have you something to fear?
If you're a good child, you'll sleep
well for he will pass you by.
But if you are a naughty child, he'll hang you out to dry.
I think we should get out of here.
I think he's right, Craig.
It's just starting to get fun.
You two are such girls like Lily.
Then there comes a type of death that Krampus offers too.
Perhaps a strangulation or a drowning would suit you.
Alternatively, Krampus can just take you straight to hell,
and nothing will be left of you, and nothing left to tell.
What?
[SCREAMS]
What are you doing, Luke?
Watching this video about Krampus online.
Did you know he drowns and eats children
after taking them to hell in a basket on his back?
And don't watch that.
Come on, go to bed.
We've been good this year.
Santa is coming, not Krampus.
Then why did dad leave?
When are you going to give it up.
I'm really not falling for it this time.
[SCREAMS]
Come on, Jonathan.
Come back to bed.
It's Christmas Eve.
I want cheering up.
This doesn't feel right.
I should be with my kids.
Only one of them yours.
Odell get over it is just one Christmas.
Things will get better next year when she gets pregnant with yet
another bloke.
I need some air.
Don't take too long.
You're really starting to bring this Christmas down.
No, daddy.
Daddy, daddy not tonight.
It's Christmas.
No.
Oh, God's sake.
Oh, hi, Denise.
It's Louise.
I don't know if you could possibly pop by.
I'm just not really feeling myself.
I don't know if it's the medication or--
I've just been having some weird dreams
and the kids have been saying some weird stuff,
but yeah, give me a call back or maybe pop by.
Thanks.
Bye.
Hey, Louise.
I know that I'm the last person that you
want to hear from right now.
I really want to come round tomorrow and see the kids.
You have to understand that this is killing me too.
Don't think there's any more guilt after this.
Please, just pick up.
Louise.
Fuck it.
Come around whether you like it or not.
I'll get more like a fucking Krampus tonight.
Oh, what's this?
A naughty little note, Jonathan.
I hope it's not dirty.
You're frighten the other children.
Mom, I heard noises.
Are the rats back?
I've never been so insulted in my life.
Andrew, is that you playing with my robot toy?
You made him leave.
You ruined Christmas.
Krampus is here, Luke.
It's time to play.
[LAUGHTER]
Louise, it's Denise.
Your door was open.
I got your message.
Louise, what have you done?
He says their father he's gone insane.
He's killed the kids.
He's telling the house, you need to get help.
Oh, God.
OK, OK, don't--
don't worry.
Oh, God.
You know what, I'm leaving.
There's something not quite right with you.
You need-- you need help.
You're not taking them away from me.
Krampus days are here again, your kids will die,
and the sky falling.
Diana, Andrew.
What have you done to them?
They're just sleeping.
I gave them some Rohypnol.
You've drugged our children.
What's the matter with you?
I'm down.
Just because you got daddy-son's issues doesn't--
He'll make you all disappear, just like the others.
[SCREAMS]
Well, there goes another one.
You know, none of your relationships
are going to work out if you insist
on stabbing them all to death.
I think he was right.
Maybe you should have accepted that invitation
for relationship guidance counseling.
Oh, daddy's going to go and lie down.
I can feel a cramp coming up.
Look at our little darlings.
Peaceful and ready for Christmas Day.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm going back to hell now.
I'll see you next Christmas.
(SINGING) Silent night, Holy night, all is calm,
all is bright, sleep in heavenly peace.
I dare, more sick and senseless
this year than ever before.
Cramping my style.
I love it when the pretty ones die so horribly, don't you?
It wasn't me.
Krampus did it.
That's what they all say, love.
So have we got anything come through on it yet?
Yes, inspector.
She was abused by her father, she was being monitored
after her other half left because she
was having a nervous breakdown, and you never guess what--
What?
The father was only a bloody sicko Santa person hater.
Oh, great.
I can see this is going to be one of those Christmases.
Right, I'll leave you to clear the mess up here,
so at least I can try and get back to my own kids, that's
assuming the missus hasn't already cut them up
and put them in the oven.
Oh, Denise, what are you doing here?
She's only going to get herself bloody murdered,
isn't she?
You are?
Sliced up like bacon.
But I like Denise.
I like bacon.
Check up with a frying pan on.
Why not?
Red or brown sauce?
Brown.
Perfect.
So it wasn't Krampus, it was the mom.
Yeah, she was North Polar.
There are freaks out there who actually think they're Santa,
you know.
I know, shocking, isn't it?
If Krampus doesn't get you, your mother probably will.
God only knows what's worse.
What happened to the mom?
She joined those other three in the nutters wing.
Do you like Christmas carols, Peter?
I don't know that many.
Just as well.
Most of them are quite boring.
I know a few that are rather good.
I know one choir who had a very haunting song.
This here's a story I like to call The 12 Kills of Christmas.
Don't you mean 12--
12 Days of Christmas?
Oh, no.
Singers that came to this house never sang that song.
To be the guardian of your incarnate son,
and husband of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Give us grace to follow him.
Nearly ready for midnight mass, father.
Why?
Don't I sound very good?
Oh, no, no, you sound great.
Anyone would think you were a priest.
Thank you, Cathy.
I'm just going to clear out the office.
And faithful.
Can I help you young man?
I'm just looking around.
Does Father McShane still work here?
No, he had to retire suddenly due to his health.
Is he still practicing the faith?
It's a complicated matter.
You know it's good practice when in the Lord's house
to take your hood down.
Sorry.
It's been a long time since I was here.
We're in a church.
You used to come here?
When I was younger, I used to be in the choir.
Oh, I see.
I heard Father McShane's choirs were the best for miles around.
I was friends with Dylan Gray.
Well, how can I help, uh--
Leo.
Leo Edwards.
How can I help, Leo?
Well, I was hoping I could talk to Father McShane.
I'm sorry, he's suffering from dementia.
He wouldn't even remember you.
That's a shame.
Is there anything I can help with?
No, not really.
Nothing you or God can do for me.
Cathy did you leave this box here?
No.
Might be one of the lads from this morning left it here.
Hang on.
I know that box.
This used to belong to Father McShane where did you find it?
It was just left there.
Oh.
Do you know anything about Dylan Gray.
Dylan Gray, yes.
He was in terrible trouble that boy with drugs and stealing.
Father McShane tried to help him,
but he was honored by the devil that boy, yeah.
Between you and me, I think he ran away and killed himself.
Yeah, it broke Father McShane's heart.
He really messed him up.
Anyway, I best go replace all the short candlesticks.
Hello, Maria McShane.
Hi, Maria.
It's Father Abel How's your father?
Yeah, he's OK.
It's largely the same, but I think
it's going to take a Christmas miracle for any change.
I haven't seen you coming around to church much of late.
I know.
It's just what-- with everything and father.
Oh, no I understand.
If you ever need anyone to talk to--
Thank you.
That's very kind of but I think I've
lost my faith a little bit.
Well, if you can't talk to God, please talk to me.
Look, I've rung up because I found this old music box I was
told belonged to your father.
Music box.
Yes, so I wondered if you might like it back.
It's got a tune.
All things bright and beautiful.
No, that's fine.
Please just get rid of it or give it
to a charity shop or something.
Here we are farther.
Back here another year.
Why did she do?
Why did she leave?
Because the devil got into her.
It wasn't her fault. The devil makes
us all do bad things at times.
Did the devil get her from that box?
Yes, he did, and that's why you must never tell anyone
about it or open it because if the devil's friends get to find
out about the box, they'll release
the devil for you and for me and for everyone,
and then we'll all disappear.
Like that boy he was never there that night, Murray.
What'd I tell you.
He was a ghost.
And all must find out the church is haunted otherwise,
everyone would be too afraid to come here,
and that will make God sad.
That's right, my darling.
The church's ghost must always stay out
of sight, like the bodies in these graves.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Come on.
That's it.
Try and relax.
I'll see you in the morning.
Won't you stop saying it?
I visited Mother's grave today with Father.
It must have been freezing up there.
It was.
Not as cold as the year my mother passed away there.
My last white Christmas.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
You don't look OK.
Maria, what's up.
Nothing.
Come here.
It's nearly our two-year anniversary.
I'm just not sure about leaving
father here for Christmas Eve.
Maria, you do too much for him.
The nurse can look after him tomorrow for one night.
Besides, he probably doesn't even know who you are anymore.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
That was harsh.
No, it's OK.
Sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
I've had a lot of news.
Anything I should know about?
Really?
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Well, what is it?
Babe, you're not happy about it.
No, I am.
I am.
It's just we're having our own child,
I think I have to tell you something.
What?
Yeah, you can tell me anything.
Well, before my mother killed herself that Christmas,
I heard her and father fighting.
Apparently, she found something in a music box he had.
A music box?
Yeah.
I don't know what it was.
All I know is-- is that he had a fight with a student.
Do you think anyone's going to believe you over me,
a man of God over some drugged up
little junkie from the streets?
His name was Dylan.
Dad said that he came back a drug addict
and tried to blackmail him, but--
You think he might have been involved with his students?
I don't know.
I mean, it's-- it's a terrible thing to think about,
but this rumor is from his old church saying that he was
charged with something, but charges were
dropped because he's senile.
Jesus Christ.
But it's just a rumor.
Your dad wouldn't do that, right?
(VOICEOVER) All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful
[CRYING]
I'll go.
No, Maria--
No, you stay.
Maria, wait.
I think it's time you start getting some extra help for him
after Christmas.
Seriously.
Oh, come on, father.
What are you doing down there.
You know you can't walk.
They come for me in the dark.
They plead with Jesus.
Nobody's here.
It was just a nightmare, OK?
May God mercy on our souls.
Maria, now what have I told you about playing in the basement.
Not to come down here as it's full of ghosts.
Exactly.
Wouldn't the ghosts be in the graveyard?
Not all souls are asleep out there.
What's that? - It's Saint Christopher.
I think it belonged to that Dillon boy.
Give it to me.
I'll pass it on to the police.
Now go on upstairs and carry on cleaning up the silver.
Sorry, Father.
Kurt, what are you doing?
Look what I found.
Come on, it's the best time of the year.
And you and me can have a little baby.
What could spoil this Christmas?
[GASPING]
I'm just off now, Father.
OK Kathy I'll see you tomorrow Cathy.
Hello.
Who's there?
I'll call the police.
Who the fuck are you?
[GROANING]
So he's been fed.
He just needs to be helped to bed at night.
OK, no worries--
Don't let them stop singing.
Just ignore that, it's the only thing he
says since he's had the stroke.
Of course.
Now you guys have a lovely Christmas Eve.
We're going to have a great time, aren't you Mr McShane?
Come on we're going to be late. - OK.
Thank you. - Bye.
Thank you. Bye.
Now you're going to be a good boy, aren't you, Mr. McShane?
I don't want no shitting on Christmas Eve,
do you understand?
Don't let them don't stop singing.
Yeah, yeah.
That's all you say I know.
The choir's grown up now, they're all gone.
[KNOCKING]
Go-- away.
(SINGING) Jingle bell, jingle--
I said go away.
What part of I don't like Christmas don't you understand?
That did it.
Hey, They've gone.
Mike can you hurry up and get here.
I don't want to spend Christmas alone with this creepy old guy.
Are you in this?
If they finally come back and check on him?
They won't.
Look, the daughters probably asked
Santa to kill him off just so she can inherit the house.
I just-- I can't do this with Father Teddy.
Can we wheel him into the other room?
See no evil.
Happy now?
It's like a demented budgie.
Don't let them stop singing.
Shut up.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, oh--
Really?
(SINGING) 10 beautiful, Oh creatures--
OK.
No, just leave him.
I can't do this with songs of praise on coming.
Oh, tell them to sing come we faithful or something.
Will be back in one minute.
Tell your God to stop screwing with my night, OK?
There was no one there, so.
Your cries back, father.
Time for one last hymn.
What's wrong?
It's my dad.
He's come around.
What do you mean he's come around?
Apparently, he's awake and wants to make a confession.
What type of confession?
Please, this is nothing to do with me, OK?
The daughter is on the way.
I'm innocent, please.
I haven't done anything.
What should we do about it?
[SCREAMS]
Father.
Where is he?
I don't know.
Where's the damn nurse?
My God.
[SCREAMS]
We found this in the graveyard.
Who are you?
You know who we are.
We are fallen angels.
I don't know what you mean.
Is that what you told your boyfriend?
The time has come for you to look upon our faces.
This is one of the ropes he used to wear,
well, before taking it off.
He dead rode Father McShane.
Don't let them stop singing.
We should kill her now, then we can get on with daddy.
He's never--
Shush.
You're just one more lie to cover up
for his crimes like the songs.
Didn't-- I didn't know.
Christian saw what happened that night in the church
after choir practice.
He was late to leave.
He saw you see it all.
Things on my mind of you.
I am a man of God, and he speaks through me.
You must never mention what happened here tonight.
That boy had the devil in him.
Your father did what he had to do.
Maybe the devil is gone now when you hit him with that cross.
Maybe you knocked the devil out of him.
I don't think we can take that risk.
What are you going to do?
Nothing you need worry about.
Now go up to the altar, put your hands over your ears
and pray as hard as you can.
Your father has a late night song to prepare.
How your father told you to say nothing.
Father is dealing with the devil.
Christian, you followed your father in the graveyard
where he buried Dylan alive.
[LAUGHTER]
We're all too scared to go to the police.
Dylan wasn't the only kid to go missing.
God only knows how many are buried in the graves out there
The boyfriend looks awfully nervous.
His heart is beating too fast,
Well, we best clean it out then.
You still got that toilet cleaner, Joseph.
Don't.
[GROANING]
No, no.
And now for you.
Please.
I'm pregnant, please.
The evil ends with you.
[SCREAMING]
I'll be back in an hour, it's in God's hands if you live.
There's no forgiveness for either of us.
Don't let stop singing.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[JINGLE BELLS]
It's all over now.
What's wrong?
You look like you've seen the devil.
It's a Christmas miracle.
(SINGING) All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful, the Lord--
What's the matter?
Please touch your tongue.
(SINGING) Each little flower that opens,
each little bird that sings.
He made the colored flowers, he made their tiny wings.
All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all.
Hear no evil, speak no evil.
See no evil.
(SINGING) All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful,
the Lord God made them all.
What do you think of that lovely little story, Peter?
You like all the gory bits.
Aah
I know.
Hang on.
Do you want to hear a story about a Santa?
A Santa like you?
Yes.
Exactly like me.
How did you know?
There was this man, put on a Christmas outfit every year,
always tried to keep Christmas magic, and his wife left him.
Emma, what are you doing?
I know this is a shit time of year to do this to you, Tony.
What are you talking about?
I'm so sorry, Tony.
Mom, why do we have to stay so late at grandma's?
Go unpack, Billy, you ain't going nowhere.
Billy, don't listen to him.
Go downstairs and wait for me.
Do it.
Go downstairs.
We'll come and get you.
Please, Emma, it's Christmas.
We can work through this.
You can't fix this.
This hasn't been real for a long time, Tony.
You know that.
We're bipolar.
Our marriage is about as real as you being Santa.
She even tried to take his kid too.
You can go, but you will not take my son.
Watch me.
Mom, I can't find my robot toy.
Billy, don't worry about it.
There isn't time.
Stone, Emma, please.
for fucks sake.
Where are my keys
I will not let you take my son, not with that bastard.
Who was it.
Fine I'm putting on some weight.
Ridiculous.
But he wouldn't let her.
No one's going to take my son away from me.
See, Billy, I told you you weren't going nowhere.
We've always loved this tune, ain't we Emma?
Your mother gave us that box.
She's next.
Christmas morning.
Time to deck the halls with blood,
I even took his job away.
We're sorry, Tony, we just feel you're
no longer right for Santa's happy grotto Incorporated.
But on five years running, Santa of the month.
Well, we only operate for one month of the year.
You can't get rid of me.
Who would replace me?
Well, actually, we've already asked
Richard to take your place.
Richard.
Sorry, Tony.
There's a new Santa in town.
You cannot be serious, you can't replace me with that.
The outfit doesn't even fit, and he's never held
more than a grotto in cavern.
I'm sorry, Tony.
The decisions being made.
Well, you can take away my grotto,
but you can't take my dignity.
I am going to take my act, and my very large bulging sack
elsewhere, and I'll bet you're all bloody communists.
Well, I don't think he's going to be on my list.
In the end, the grief and seeing all those children that weren't
his drove him and should we say odd, so we got revenge,
and handed out festive treats.
Where are my cookies from Santa, mommy?
You can't have them now, darling, it spoil your meal.
But look.
There has already been one reported fatality here today.
The police are desperately seeking anyone who has visited
the grotto as they believe that there is poisonous cookies
handed out by Santa.
Oh my God.
The Information right now is he was a member of ISIS.
Mommy, you stole my cookies.
And this elf just came out screaming at us,
my youngest is traumatized.
He was screaming out, stop.
I will be suing Happy Santas Grotto, Incorporated.
This is just not good enough.
As you can see, we've had a lot of trauma
tonight at the grotto.
We've had one girl who won't stop
crying at the sight of a reindeer,
and another who tried to choke herself to death
with a Tamagotchi.
She corrected awful kids on the street.
Oh, Santa.
You walking back to the North Pole
because you're too fat for your reindeer to pull your ass back.
Oh, well, done Leo.
Now you've pissed off Santa.
Oh, what's the matter?
Where's my present?
I'll leave it out, Leo.
Look at him.
He's obviously had a bad Christmas.
So would I dressed up like that.
Oh, I'm having a bad Christmas too.
That's why I want my present.
You don't know nothing about a bad Christmas, kid.
Just leave him.
He's been drinking.
Come on guys, let's go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Through the window, I can the--
What did you say?
No, I've something in my sack for you.
I think he's had some funny mince pies.
He's getting creepy.
Come on, let's go.
You being funny.
Not feeling very jolly this Christmas.
Jesus Christ.
I'm not Jesus, I'm Santa.
Went round all the houses.
Oh, dad, what are you doing.
You just got us killed.
No dear, it's you not riding your reindeer zombie right.
I'm riding it fine.
You need to stop dying on exploding presents.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Bring me too, we can fall in love With Christmas
if we want to one by one the family start rising.
It's Santa.
The real Santa is here.
There's no one there, Ben.
But I swear it was him.
He was real.
I think Josh scared you a little bit too much earlier.
No one believes me in this house.
You suck.
I hate you guys, Christmas.
Ben.
I'm going to go play my video game.
And what about the Christmas cake?
Christmas cake is more likely to kill me
than to kill our elves.
Oh, thanks.
For a wonderful Christmas.
Killing families.
You've got some giant bits.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
You like Christmas games where people get killed, kid.
How about Santa brings you a real game this year?
And telling kids stories to cover up
the real horrific story he was carrying.
Hello, Benny boy.
Santa has come to pay you a visit.
What happened to him?
Jeffrey Dahmer,
[LAUGHTER]
This is so funny, Where's your finger to film?
It's-- it's a bit different to Rudolph's great
Happy Christmas adventure.
Though I'd come round here, and be like the three ghosts
of Christmas, all rolled into one
and tell you three great Christmas stories.
I got you a special copy.
Really.
My parents wouldn't even let me watch TV.
No, don't worry about it.
I've sorted it all out with your parents.
This film is banned in 27 countries,
so hasn't got any rating.
This is the last present of Luke Everard.
It's freaks out here, and they sense it too, you know,
it's shocking.
I think I've cheered you up enough parents
you're feeling better now.
You've got to help me.
The Santa broke into our house, and then he
started telling me all these crazy Christmas stories.
And he's got this huge--
You didn't ask the bill payer's permission,
and now she's dead.
But that's still no excuse.
Does funny things with the head when
a father loses their child.
Worse than any child's new computer game.
You can kill as many kids as you like,
and get rewarded with extra bullets.
[LAUGHTER]
And worse than all the gory toys in a world,
you can put him up on a shelf with all
the others I bought you.
He even stopped enjoying a carols.
Goulet singing.
I've ripped out a vocal cords of people
who sang better than that.
Many of you put on a Santa costume,
people think they can take bloody liberties,
although the mince pies are a bit of a bonus.
Delicious.
Don't worry, Ben.
Those, social workers aren't going
to take you and the other kids away ever again.
You're going to spend Christmas Day with me.
[LAUGHTER]
And we are going to have the best Christmas ever.
No justice for fathers, you know.
Not even Father Christmas.
You could blame a man for letting
himself go putting on weight, stopping shaving,
and running away to a desolate cold landscape
with thousands of made up little creatures creating toys.
Toys his child we'll never play with.
That is why I carry a machete like this in my bag.
Peter, where are you?
You stay while I go and sort your mom out.
While he was finishing off my family,
I managed to escape into the snow.
I wish people would just accept
where they're going to die.
Christmas is hard enough without them
fucking clinging on to life.
Peter, where are you you little shit?
Peter, I've got a nice little present for you,
Peter come on out.
I know you're here somewhere.
Peter.
Kids these days, all of them, little shits.
I know you're in there.
I'm going to skin you alive like Peter fucking rabbit.
Jesus is going to save you now kid.
[GASPING]
That's when I stabbed him with the machete he dropped.
And that's the Christmas I found out Santa is not real.
He's a mental psychopath.
Then I ended up here, in this children's home.
Santa is coming for you.
Nearly Christmas time again.
Leave me alone.
He finished off your family and now
he's going to finish off you.
Stop him.
He's going to skin you alive like Peter rabbit.
Stop it.
On the 12th killer Christmas Day Santa said to me,
a dead family in a fern tree.
Can you hear a sleigh coming with all the dead kids.
Halt Harry, leave him alone.
Don't worry.
We're done anyway.
Yeah, little pussy.
Try and ignore them, Peter.
They aren't seeing their families either this Christmas.
Their families were murdered.
At least your family wanted you.
My crack addict mom would rather be in prison.
Christmas can go fuck itself.
We never going to escape Christmas, are we?
What the hell are you doing you little creep?
You trying to scare me?
Holt?
You were always nice to me, so--
and so let you live.
Think of it as my Christmas present.
Yeah, might need it.
It is Christmas Day tomorrow after all.
Have a Merry Christmas.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
The animals have turned white.
Santa is dropping bombs tonight, it's getting cold,
here's the snow, and I know you won't be home,
I'm changing you in fall out light,
and I can see your lips turning blue,
I shouldn't have fallen in love with a homicidal Eskimo.
I see her bubble off the wall, hanging down from a tree.
I see her bubble off the wall, hung in a pagan dream.
The reindeer heads all looked out they would be pulling out
of town, sat in this old leather chair, my hunting rifle loaded
here, watching us far from the sky,
we're three feet deep in dust and bones.
None of the children gone to war, I got to be coming home.
I see her bubble off the wall, hanging out from a my tree.
I see a bubble off the wall, hung in a pagan dream.
The misteletoe and your smiles, dancing pretty in rubble,
the antlers that you like to wear, before you cross yourself
and lift his head.
I see her bubble of the wall, hanging down I'm from a tree.
I see her bubble off the wall hung in the pagan dream.
I see her bubble off the wall, hanging down from a tree,
I see her bubble off the wall, hung in a pagan dream.